...approach a remodeling project

So you've finally had it, huh?

The avacado-green cabinets and red floor in the kitchen have set your teeth on edge since the first time you looked at the house, but the price and the school district were right. So you moved in with the ambitious plan that the kitchen would be a contemporary showcase in no time.

Or maybe you just can't stand the outdated fixtures in the bathroom, or the cat-pee stains on the hardwood floors in the guest room.

Whatever your specific remodeling concern is, I bet you feel pretty confident that you can handle it yourself, right?

Contractors are a bunch of shysters, after all.

Tradespeople are drunks, drug addicts and criminals - otherwise they would have made the smart choice like you did. That guy in the pickup truck you saw in the 7-11 parking lot the other day. He seemed like a decent enough guy, gave you the last parking spot and all. But what's with all the tattoos? If he'd played his cards right - like you did - he could have his own cubicle, too. Replete with dangling-kitty poster and everything. Poor guy.

And he seemed perfectly comfortable even though his boots were caked with mud, his knuckles had fresh blood on them and he was covered in an even film of wood dust. And let's be honest, he smelled like sweat. So sad that some people have to live that way, isn't it?

You watch TLC, HGTV, DIY and "Extreme Makeover" on ABC. That Ty Pennington sure is a firecracker, isn't he? All of those folks always get the job done on time and within budget. And they always look so GOOD. Nice and clean.

You've watched the other shows, too. The ones where people who have been renovating houses for decades honestly try to explain how the job should be done. Doesn't look so hard, does it? Everything tied up in a nice neat package in 21 to 42 minutes.

While some of these shows are exceptional, and most do offer certain kernels of wisdom - they should not be considered, and are not intended to be training manuals.

Yet every month thousands of people across the country allow themselves to believe that by watching these shows, reading a book and doing a little internet research, they're capable of tackling whatever remodeling project they have in mind.

Let's say you're a computer programmer for an alarm company, and you meet me at a party. My muddy boots are at home on the porch, I've washed the drywall dust and glue out of my hair, and I've changed out of my work clothes. You have no idea what I do for a living, but I ask about your job. Once you've told me your occupation, I fly into a monologue about the computer program I'm getting ready to write. I've decided to side-step the alarm companies (they're just out for the profits, after all) and create my own home security system. A web site sells the hardware I need for a great price, and I found two books online that I'm sure will teach me all I need to know: "Computer Programming for A-holes" and "Residential Security for the Patently Stupid".

You try to explain that home security is not something to be trifled with. I am convinced of my ability. After all, if that geek on DIY can do it, I sure as hell can. You try again to encourage me to hire a professional to do the job. Again I resist and ask for your phone number so I can call you in a few weeks when the job is done. I want you to come over and look at the code I'm going to write. I've had a few beers and am obviosly not going to let the subject die unless you agree, so you give me your card. Sure enough, after a few weeks you get a call from me.

Only, rather than calling to brag about the amazing job I've done on my Security System - I'm calling you in to pull my ass out of the fire. I've spent way more money than I had budgeted for and nothing I've tried has worked. I bellyache to you that the books made it seem so easy, I can't imagine how I could be SO STUPID as not to be able to create, program and build my own security system. My wife is at her wit's end. She'd wanted to hire a professional from the beginning. I'm nearly out of money and I really need your help. As a friend - we've met once at a party when we were both pretty hammered - I'm hoping that you might be able to help me out.

Which means I want you to fill in the hole I dug for myself. I want you to do it on your time off, and most importantly, I want you to do it for free. Well, I'll give you pizza and beer.

I can't rebuild an engine in a weekend. I can't run the HR department at a Law firm. I can't perform Arthroscopic surgery.

These are all tasks I am capable of performing, yet I can't do a single one of them. Why do you suppose that is? Could it be that I lack the education, training and experience?

If you are commited to tackling a remodeling project on your own, go for it. I'm not writing this How Not To in an effort to talk you out of it.

I'm only trying to point out the pitfalls in my roundabout way. I've lost count of the jobs I've done over the years that resulted from a homeowner trying to go it on their own. In every case the job cost at least double what it would of had I been the first one there.

Undoing is more expensive than doing.

Start small. Get a feel for your tools and materials. If you've never replaced a faucet, you're not ready to plumb that new addition. If you've never installed a new ceiling fixture, you're not ready put in a new circuit breaker.

And for God's sake, if you don't know which walls are load-bearing, put down the freakin' Sawzall!

A well-done remodel can not only make your house into the home you've always dreamed of, it will increase it's market value, too.

If you are anything like 99% of the country, your home is your single largest investment, and your car is a distant second. Yet you're probably more willing to risk damaging the former with your amateur experimentation than you are the latter.

A remodeling project is not something to be entered into lightly. Especially if you are considering doing it yourself. Do some research. Take some classes at the local community college.

Most contractors' profit and overhead only equals 15 to 20 percent of the total job cost. Is it really worth saving that amount just to say "I did it myself"? Especially when the quality of your work is likely to be substandard - and noticeable to any home inspector or Realtor during a walkthrough?

These are all things to think about.

If you just really want to get your hands dirty and make your house your own by doing the work yourself, I applaud you. You are not the audience this post was written for. As I said in my opening, this post is directed to the folks out there who think an outdated kitchen defines them. The people who just can't stand the fact that their friends have shiny brand new surfaces in their homes, and feel a need to keep up with the Jones'.

If you are in that group, look in the mirror and admit it to yourself. Consider that you are rushing a very important decision out of vanity. Consider that your experience likely doesn't translate to the task at hand. If you're considering doing the work yourself because of the double-whammy of a low budget combined with an inability to delay gratification - you're on a very dangerous path.

The "easy" remodel is a mythical beast, it doesn't exist. Every remodel creates discomfort, dust, dirt, inconvenience, noise and worry for the homeowner. Doing the work yourself adds a slew of other concerns to that list.

What will you do if you tear down the old plaster and find black mold growing in your walls? What if you discover termite damage? Do you know where the gas lines are running? Where is the valve to the water main? What happens if you strain your back loading the drywall and can't go to work? Suddenly you've got a demolished kitchen and no paycheck. These are the type of issues you need to consider.

So. What not to do when approaching a remodeling project?

Don't think its as easy as it looks. That filthy guy at the 7-11? As hard as it may be to believe, he's very good at what he does. He's worked long and hard to get there. He works for people who could buy and sell you with just the money in their checking account, and they consider him a friend. Most of his waking hours are spent creating dream homes for people who were either smart enough to realize that the job was beyond their skill-set, or called him after they'd dug themselves a hole they couldn't climb out of. He won't judge you for the mistakes you've made if you need to call him in. And when he spies the "Remodeling for Dummies" book on the shelf in the garage, he'll only chuckle a little bit.

After all, if you've called him - you've learned it isn't a job for dummies.