... drive like an idiot.

As someone who spends a lot of time in my car – and even drove professionally for a time – idiot drivers might be my biggest pet peeve.

If you’re reading this and wondering whether you’re an idiot driver, you probably are. If you’re reading this and thinking “This isn’t about me… I’m an excellent driver… definitely an excellent driver”, you’re probably an idiot too.

If people cut you off all the time or if you feel like everyone on the road is out to get you – you’re an idiot driver.

Here’s the deal folks, you are NOT the only person on the planet.

The key to being a good driver is to become like a leaf in a stream. Most of you are boulders. If you learn to flow with the current, you will find that time spent in your car will become much more enjoyable.

I’m not referring to the speed with which traffic is flowing, although that is important. I am talking about not making a spectacle of yourself.

Being a smart driver is about more than being technically proficient with the pedals, switches and levers.

It has little to do with whether you talk on the phone.

However, if you text message while driving, you’re an uber-idiot.

Let’s get a few things out of the way right off the bat:

· The left lane is called the passing lane for a reason.
· The lines painted on the road and in parking lots are there for a reason.
· Turn signals matter. As does shutting them off.
· Corner gas stations are not short cuts.
· A yield sign means that if continuing forward will impede the progress of another driver, you are to STOP until such time that the coast is clear. It does not mean to let off the accelerator for a second and then blindly forge onward.
· A merge sign means that you are to match speed with the flow of traffic BEFORE joining the stream. Similar to a yield, your task is to avoid effecting the progress of other drivers.

Very few people seem to understand either the tricks or the etiquette for driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic. The first key is that the closer you follow the car in front of you, the worse the traffic jam will be and the longer it will last. Every time you brake hard or come to a complete stop, there is an accordion effect behind you. The first guy jumps on the binders a little faster and harder than you did, and so on down the line, which extends the jam further and further back. In fact, most jams are caused by someone jamming on the breaks unnecessarily when traffic is still flowing at speed.

Why do you stick to the bumper of the car in front of you when traffic is barely moving? I know, you’re afraid someone from an adjacent lane will cut in front of you if you leave any room.

So what if they do? You’ll get to work one car-length later?

There is no speed at which this is a viable argument.

The only time tailgating is permissible relates to item one in the above list; when some asshole has determined that the left lane is just the spot for a leisurely drive.

Even in such a situation, the tailgating should only last a few seconds. A good driver will recognize that you want to get by and will move aside at the first opportunity. Staying on their bumper when the right lane is crowded is pointless and dangerous.

The idiot will continue on for miles with your grill in their mirror. Don’t bother risking your life sending a visual message to the blind. You may be forced to pass on the right, always the more dangerous option, especially on a multi-lane highway.

If you are someone who is often passed on the right, you’re an idiot. Stop driving in the left lane.

Other than while sending a “move over” message to the highway pace car, at all times – and all speeds – you should keep enough room between you and the car in front to allow another car in.

At high speed, this allows others to slide over when they encounter slower traffic.

At low speeds, it allows you to release the gas pedal and let the engine’s compression slow you down without having to flash your brake lights at the car behind you – possibly causing him to extend the jam.

At any speed, it gives you the opportunity to react to sudden changes. The more room, the more options you have. If you’re too close, your only option is to mash the brakes and pray. With just a little more room, you might be able to steer to the side. Even if you end up off the road, you’ll likely be better off than if you slammed into the other car.

If everyone on the road were willing to leave just a little more room between cars, our traffic problems would be greatly reduced. It is a myth that jams are caused purely by volume. Most of them are caused by idiots. Think of the past fifty traffic jams you’ve been stuck in. How many of them had any discernable cause, like an accident or a disabled car? Ten, maybe?

That means the other forty were caused by idiots.

If it sets your mind at ease, most drivers are idiots. So if the things I’m saying are hitting a little close to home, you have plenty of company.

The typical rush hour jam is caused by a train of cars following too closely at speed. Perhaps the first guy sees brake lights a quarter mile ahead (the minimum distance you should be watching) and lets off the gas in anticipation… he is not the idiot. The second guy, who is already following too close panics when the other car suddenly gets closer, and hits the brakes. Upon seeing his brake lights, car #3 overreacts even more.

The pisser about this is, these first idiots remain clueless to the disaster unfolding behind them. After their initial tap of the brakes, they’ve continued on without further issues. Within a minute or two, due to the accordion effect – the cars a mile or so back suddenly find themselves at a dead stop.

Don’t block intersections when you’re stuck in traffic. Leave room for cross traffic to get through. And allow drivers from cross streets to join the misery if they’re indicating a desire to do so.

Take 5 seconds to back and fill if your first attempt at parking didn’t end with you between the lines. I personally think I should be within my legal rights to do physical damage to your car if it is straddling the line.

If you are one of the first 4 cars at a stop light, pay attention. Driver number 10 might actually get through on the green if you move your ass promptly.

If a light turns yellow before you reach the intersection, stop at the limit line.

If you’re not POSITIVE that you’ll make it through a congested intersection before the light changes, don’t try.

Give tractor trailer drivers a break. Signal well ahead of time when changing lanes in front of them, and don’t make the move until you’re well in front of them. Not only can they not stop as quickly as you, they can’t see the road right in front of them.

When a trucker signals a lane change in front of you, flash your hi-beams when he’s clear to move over. He’ll give a thank you flash of his trailer lights, and you will have helped clear the left lane for other drivers.

If you drive/ride a vehicle with loud exhaust, be considerate while driving through residential neighborhoods. Nobody is impressed when you burp the throttle at 2 in the morning and wake up their kid.

If you ride a bike and can’t be bothered to be considerate, you’re the reason people fight for noise ordinances. It is true that ‘loud pipes save lives’, but if you expect people to support the idea – stop being a dick.

That’s it for now, but I have a feeling this is only the first in a series.